3 posts tagged “parenting”

No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?
Lee Iacocca in Talking Straight

I was reading all of the posts for parents who received referrals from China today, and happened on this from another mom.  I did get one bit of similar advice when pregnant, from a Training Center Lieutenant.  He said, "get yourself a baseball bat.  Go home and totally destroy everything from here (gestured waist-high) down 'cause when that kid comes, it'll trash everything.  This way you can at least enjoy doing it yourself!"  He wasn't kidding.  And my mini-van does look like #7.  I also have to add that my mom was playing with my son yesterday so I left the house to run several errands close to home.  I was gone 40 minutes from leaving the driveway to driveway return.  I clocked it.  And I got all of this done:

• took nephew's Epi Pen back to sister one street over, had a 2 minute gossip
• dropped off kid's video at Blockbuster
  
• bought 15 things at the grocery, read labels as usual and stood in line at the checkout
• filled the gas tank, it was on "E" (had a quick cry over the bill)
  
• ran in to Pediatricians office to pick up pre-school paperwork

I had forgotten how quickly I can get things without my little guy in tow.  It was shocking.

Planning on Having Kids?

Do this 16-step program first:

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all
the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....

1. get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing
loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink
and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years.
Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out..
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint,
turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch
tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas
candle.
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet
of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.

And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and
shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them
into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them
with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out.
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half
an hour.
3. Go out the front door.
4. Come in again. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is also excellent).

If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more
than one goat.

Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate
having children.

Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the
air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's "Noggin"?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway
and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Lesson 16

Trying to go out on a Date

First, wait until you have a runny nose and then take your favorite little black dress and wipe your nose on the back of at least one shoulder…use both shoulders if you plan to have 2 children. The resulting slug trail should be just visible to everyone, except you when you look in the mirror. Then add a little sour milk to the area; this will guarantee that extra special fragrance for a little bit later in the night. Practice looking surprised when someone with a wrinkled up nose says “Do you smell something?”

Next, stick your finger in an electric socket…your hair will never look any better than that.
You can of course try to practice blow drying and curling it but it must be done with one of the aforementioned 15 pound sacks on your hip and another attached and pulling on your dress and you must add the runny nose trails to the bottom of your dress as well.
Also, the "mommy" tape from lesson #14 must be playing over and over at the same time.

Next, throw away your eye and lip pencils and any makeup that requires precision to administer. Chances are probably pretty good they will be worn down to the wood since your 4-year old will use them to color the Church Bulletin when the Pastor goes a little long winded on Sunday. If you insist on trying, when you are finished you will be taking the chance that you look like Bette Davis in “What ever Happened to Baby Jane”.

As soon as you get to the restaurant, have your cell phone ring and your babysitter inform you that the baby won’t stop crying and the 4 year old is saying that she has to poop, but “it’s stuck”. Have the cell phone ring with the same message every 15 minutes. As soon as your dinner arrives apologize to your friends, tell the waiter you’ll take your dinner to go and head for home. Arrive home to find the house quiet since both baby and the 4 year old are now asleep. Practice making Martinis at home.

I have just had so many nice days with my family.  I feel so lucky.  Yes, I waste a lot of time worrying about how we are going to pay for things, but somehow God always gets us through.  And yes I am still wasting time and energy lamenting my career.  I may never get over it entirely.  But man it's nice to see my boy every day.  It's a huge relief to be able to take care of him.  I would have worried over him just not being there every day.  You know me.  Well today was gorgeous outside.  We had our exercise early at one of the parks near our house and took my sis and nephew, too.  Nephew took his basketball and I played with him for a while, then other some kids joined us and he played with them.  He's such a good kid.  He's got a good soul.  I love him and am proud of how he's growing up.  Meanwhile, my sis watched my boy and I got a break for a bit while my son wore himself out.  My little munchkin has a good heart, too.  He so much wants to be friends with every kid he meets.  I guess one of the little ones at the park today said they didn't know him and wouldn't play.  He was sad, but trying to buck up.  I wish I could smooth his way, but I know I can't always.  He does stick up for himself, sometimes.  We have to temper the "Be Nice" with  "It's ok to say 'no" for him because he's so eager to please other kids.  He's had his feelings hurt a few times by children  mocking his speech, too.  The real problem in that situation is children who are getting away with being mean to others.  While I won't tolerate it, I can't really stop it from happening.  I can get him help.  I'd like to lessen his frustration, also.  He's really wanting to feel in control of his life right now.  We've had a few meltdowns.  He had a rough month with the food allergies and all the tests.  And we are not done yet. 
So I want to get on top of the speech stuff.  Read a book today about Speech Therapy and took several good things from it: 

• You shouldn't "Wait and See"
  
• Speech problems are not caused by parents anticipating their kid's needs
• Even if public School services say your kid doesn't qualify for  their help, s/he may still need private Speech Therapy
• Pediatricians should refer you to a specialist and not make the determination
  
• Your child is not too young to be evaluated
  

It said several times not to put off evaluation, no matter what you were being told. 
Well we got the good news/bad news report from the Speech Eval.  She said he's smart.  Then she's like, "...every parent says they understand so much more than they do in the tests- but your kid is really smart.  You'll have to make sure he doesn't get bored.  You should think about putting him in Montesori."  She said he was (in the test) two years ahead.  She said a lot.  I don't need reassurance on his aptitude. I need him to be happy and healthy.  He will need speech therapy, and will not qualify through the school system.  So we will be paying for it.  And we'll pay for school too if he doesn't get what he needs there, later.  I'm not thinking that far ahead, now.  We have another year in our great preschool and I have to worry about Kindergarden next.  Smarts are good, but you need emotional skills to function well in the world.  As a parent, I have to make sure he is growing in both areas.